Will I ever be ready?

As the Windows Mail continues to download my over 20K of emails (yes, it’s still on going..I keep stopping in between), I found an email that even the subject matter makes me shudder in fear.  Then, it got me searching for another prior email.

7/30 – That was our first conversation about something that even until today, I still fear the thought of taking up that challenge. As I read the chain of emails from that topic, I am still pretty certain I am not ready.  I still remember that big bolded “NO!”.  And the email said “give you another 6 months”. Bluff wan.

8/10 – Second and pretty much the last email about the same scary topic (less than 6 months ok! That’s like 11 days apart).  I don’t normally ignore emails.  As much as I fear confrontation, I usually do respond to emails unless I am at least 500% sure I have nothing to say or don’t know what to say, I normally won’t leave emails hanging unanswered.  The last line from that email was “please, be a good sponge”.  You notice that “,” after that “please?  It is in a form of instruction/command/order.  The term “please” was not used as a form of asking-for-permission.

Nuff said about the prelude. 

I’m already shivering in fear even as I think about this subject matter.  It has been…what?… 7 months since and I haven’t for once forgotten about this virtual “discussion”.  It has been a burden in my heart because I honestly still think I am ill-prepared and I am just not ready.  The adhoc role a couple of weeks back really triggered a series of emails from different people.  I sensed something was cropping up.  True enough, it happened that very weekend. 

I was so troubled the entire weekend about what had happened and what is happening and what will be happening.  Everything is coming together like pieces of puzzles.  At some point, I even want to believe that someone is directing this chains of incidents to convince me that it is time to make a decision *gulp* (Forgive me for saying this…)

I spoke to Bibs over the weekend about this.  In fact, I had spoken to him about this in the past few months.  He had never really express much about it; probably with a lot of reserve especially in the aspect of my time (and how limited I have left to share amongst so many other people *gulp*).  But this weekend…he really gave me this assurance that he believe I can do it and that he knows if I take up the challenge, God will lead the way.  For once I could not find anymore reasons to argue with him about this subject matter.  Bibs gave me his blessings and said he will pray for me (I hope he is still doing that!).

I’m still feeling very unsettled about it.  There’s a lot of anxiety.  Even as I am typing this post, my entire neck feels so tight and as though I’m gasping for air.  I AM THAT SCARED *gulp*  This is really not about making a presentation to your CEO or going for a ballet audition for the lead role in Swan Lake.  This is about the King! *drops down on my knees and begs for mercy* <— OK, a bit too dramatic 😛

Anyways, I know it’s a matter of time I have to get out of comfort zone. 

Lord, please help me pick up my cross.  I need Your blessing and guidance. I pray that only Your will be done. Please grant me peace if this is in accordance to Your plans.

 

*gulp* I go sleep nao.  That’s if I can still sleep.  I feel like I have just had a minor heart attack.

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