Disappointment is often felt in our lives when we place our hope and trust in the wrong place. But how often do we know where to channel our hope to? Or how many % of trust is the right amount? Life is like baking a very humongous cake. You don’t know when is the right amount of yeast to rise the batter or the right amount of sugar to sweeten the dough; you won’t know how significant a pinch of lemon zest would make until you have added that in. But question is…how much? how much longer? Who has the answers?
Fine. Perhaps baking is not the right analogy.
I’m just torn between. Being the only Christian in the family is tough. It is not easy being a Christian, I know that already. But trying hard to live as one and also being an image of God; that’s tougher than I can imagine! It’s driving me insane. Exactly how much is too much? Or how little is too little? What is enough? Do I spend my entire life worrying about their well-being? Or when should I let go? Or when should I give up?
I’ve been praying so hard over and over again. I keep coming back to square one. Something is obviously wrong. But where did I go wrong? Have I over look something? What is it that God wants me to find in this puzzle? How long more do I have to continue finding?
I’m very tired. When I keep getting disappointed repeatedly, I just don’t think I can hold on any longer. It’s unfair. But what is fair? It’s painful. But what isn’t? So what do I do next? I wish I can just pack up and walk out. But I know I just won’t and I can’t. What do YOU want me to do?!
I cannot imagine the pain a mother has to go through when she watches her own son making mistakes over mistakes and wonders what exactly in her life did she do wrong bringing this child up. I cannot imagine the kind of hurt a mother would feel when she has given all her life to nurture a child only to be stabbed repeatedly by this child that she so loves. When should she stop loving him? When should she stop hoping he’ll wake up and realize how wrong he is? Does a mother ever give up? Does a mother ever lose hope?
I cannot explain the kind of helplessness I’m feeling as I watch this person whom I have been caring for since he was born. There’s just so little I can do and yet nothing works. I turn to God for strength and for hope. But what should I do with all the strength? God please help me help him.
Pray with me friends. Pray for him.