I clicked on the Add New Post link for the past 1 hour and just couldn’t gather my thoughts and decide on what to write. Each time, just when i thought of typing…*whoosh* Gone! And it’s all blank again. I feel like Bib’s TV which has gone cranky (and he has been hinting for a new one since his b’day is around the corner *ignore*). I’m having a massive headache. I’ve been having massive headache ever since I stepped into the office (like every day..). It’s not a good sign right? I ran out of blogs to read. I don’t even feel like surfing around anymore. Using my brain feels like a major effort. Concentrating on the smallest word on the screen like “a” seems to be taxing. Okay..typing this is kinda happening sub-consciously. *pull hair to relief the tension in my brain* Not helping.
My cube is in a mess. I have 75%-finished-McValue-Meal at one corner. Unwashed-dirty-Milo-stained-cup sitting around. Unused & used tissue lying everywhere ahead of me – some used to clean the dripping water from my container..some used to wipe my covered-with-french-fries-grease-fingers…some used to wipe my teary eyes as I watch MIX FM DearlyDeported. Some untouched tea bags, candies, leftover Chick-biscuit from Ipoh a few months back. Lots of empty BRANDS Chicken Essence bottles for my supposed wax-project (which was never launched because I have partially “lost” my ownership of VBB since Bibs don’t welcome me there as much as he used to). Some documents flying all over the desk which I prolly only read 15% percent of them but feel guilty just dumping them into the recycle-corner.
Honestly..I’m in a mess. Everything in my life feels like a massive mess. My room is in a mess. My life is in a mess. Now my head is in a bigger mess. I’m not interested in anything. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even want to see anybody. I’m just depressed and distracted and unstable. I want to run to the dark clouds and wish the lightning would just strike me and swallow me into the big sky (hopefully he won’t spit me out though..)
I went out for lunch alone today. I didn’t know what to eat or where to go. I couldn’t decide. I may have developed the fear of decision making. But I decided to drive to QB. Along the journey, I was still busy considering many other places that I could do. I picked up something
embarrassing from a shop. Had fun chatting with the salesperson. He’s cute…not as in good looking but entertainingly-cute. He sure got me feeling really embarrassed and yet the knowledge he instilled in me today seemed rather…useful. Hah! Don’t let your imagination run wild. I won’t say where I went today. In fact, I went to many places and almost make many impulsive purchase. If not for my tight budget..I may have made some major mistakes. God works in wonderful ways. Of all days, I met a lot of people from work who had graciously invited me for lunch with them – that includes my ex-boss! of cos, I chose to spare my emotional & mental state. McD was what I settled for *shivers* Enough of repeated food for the past 2 weeks. I’m getting very afraid…very very afraid!
I don’t feel like going home. I don’t think i can find peace and solitude. I need somewhere quiet. Somewhere I can find peace. I don’t know where. I chose office instead. I’m gonna do some random stuffs. See if I can find the energy to put up the photos that I have not done so the past 8.5 months. I’m worried putting them up would jeopardize the possibility of me leaving this place. *slap* Sorry. Did that come out sounding superstitious? Oops.
I need to lie down and rest for a while. Wake me up in a jiffy k? Nite.