I haven’t written for exactly 2 weeks now. Not too bad I guess. It’s been hell busy for me and I haven’t gotten down to writing anything. But today, I will. Unfortunately, it won’t sound happy.
I was sharing with Wynx this morning via email about how grateful I am with the people that God had sent to me along the way as I struggle with the life that He has planned for me. Years before I came to know God, I was a much more angry person. Envious and anxious. Constantly seeking attention (not that I’m not anymore). Always looking for ways to hate people and hate myself. I was…such a bitter person. When I accepted Christ, I was still bitter and I was still struggling to understand how Jesus did it with his forgiveness and unconditional love. I couldn’t. And shamefully, I have to say I still can’t…but I’m better. Still remembering that night in 2006 when God spoke to me in my dream. That peace. I haven’t felt that peace for a long time and beginning to yearn for that peace. It’s amazing how God works in our lives. Every other day, I dread to wake up and face the same old routine. I dread to go work, I dread to go home, and now…I dread to even face the world. With God’s grace, I survived 6 years plus in the same company, doing somewhat different jobs in the breaks of 3 years each. I don’t know how I survived so long. I still remember telling Alloysius that I will not step foot into this company after my internship. But heck! I’ve been here since then. I was thinking while I was driving last night..and I realized how much God has been taking care of me. No doubt, this is a path that I have to go down and there is no running away. I want to believe and I am trusting Him that He is in control and that whatever He has planned for is meant for great purposes. I try very hard to persevere – there are times I’ll stumble, I’ll complain, make a huge fuss or rejoice over the little rewards here and there. Above all, I know He is providing; not just financially, but with the people that He planted around me. The friends that I made (who came and gone), the acquaintances who taught me so much and strengthen me through the trials, the kind and the evil…it’s almost like God made me a special cocktail and I’m still slowly sipping it while trying to break down the concoction. Let’s just say…I’m a lousy drinker and it’s taking me a long time to figure out what’s this bittersweet beverage. People. It’s all these people that made me come this far.
God has put me through many trials. Many failures and many success. But none that I could claim at my own credits but His. It’s true. I’m not exaggerating nor am I trying to sound holy. I’m far too small to be able to achieve what I have achieved so far. He pushed me into the battlefield..and He watched me closely. I’m grateful and I’m ashamed for losing sight when things get more challenging and testing.
Lord, I am truly crying out to You again. Help me find my direction. Help me hear You softly spoken words. Help me find the strength and the courage that I need to persevere through. I’m feeling very weaken, beaten and lost. I don’t know where I’m going in my career. I don’t know what’s my purpose in life and as such I can’t tell if I’m heading to the right way. Heck! I don’t even know if I’m making the right choice for what seemed to matter a whole deal in my life. There are so many questions, so many uncertainties. I’m so broken that I feel so empty.
I remember sharing during Christmas 2007…telling the congregation this.. “I’m like an empty and broken cup which have found a home and currently filled up with warm milk and I no longer leak profusely!”
Brothers & sisters, if you are reading this. Please remember me in prayers. I’m spiritually challenged in many ways; in relationship with someone i thought was God sent, family, colleagues and friends, and in my career direction. Please pray for me as I begin to seek Him for help. I’m aching a lot and I’m finding it harder and harder to express myself. Too many disappointments because there are too many
wrong expectations. Pray that I’ll quieten down my heart and really listen to His voice. Let me seek my shepherd in the dark and focus on him and him alone. Pray that I will find the strength and wisdom to forgive. Hold no grudge and no hatred. Pray that the bitterness be taken away and the wounds be healed.