The smarties seem to be working. I’m sweating buckets since I woke up a while ago. I had the best one hour sleep since Sunday. I’m beginning to feel the heat in the air instead of the heat within me. Guess that’s a good sign. Now my stomach is growling in hunger but I’m a little weak to figure out what I can eat or cannot. Many yummy food cross my mind and that leads to many more thoughts and memories that perhaps; it’s just not a good time to rekindle.
I had been sleeping a lot since last night. Not to mention the many hundreds of yogic positions that I attempted trying to relieve my aching muscles and joints. To a certain extent, I really wish I could break my body into halves and just let free myself from the awful backache. Then, it comes a point when my head was hurting so badly, I wished I was Sylar* and I could just cut across my forehead and whip the brain out.
I tried not to think too much. I even tried not to weep too much. I ought to be feeling the liberation; the freedom from all the mental & emotional agony that I have been enduring in the past year or more. But some parts of me keep hanging on. Repeating words that I hate to remember; scenes that I wish I was stronger than putting myself in those pathetic position. Why? What for? I asked a million times and I wept countless times. What did I get at the end of the day? Hopes? Lots of them. But they are all empty. Promises? I had a plenty. But none was meant to be kept. I can’t get those words out of my head.
I had a lot of anger in me. A lot of grief too. Because I thought I started anew; afresh. I thought I had changed and made to be a better person. I thought I would do so much better this time and not screw up. But no. I did screw up. Just don’t ask me how because other than stupidity, I just cannot find a better explanation.
But you know what was scariest? When I look back, I realized I was in your position. Doing almost the same thing (of cos not to your great extent of torturing the weak one), unappreciative and almost wanting everything to myself. I did that. I did all that. The numerous arguments. Endless demands and solutions. Negotiations and compromising. It was freaky when I think about it; how all these are replaying over again in this new set of characters – the only difference is; we swapped our scripts, our roles.
At one point, I began to convince myself that perhaps this is an answer to a revengeful prayer. So God sent you and put me unto the set. When the camera started rolling; the scenes began to unfold. I get to taste the bitterness and pain that I once caused him while you get to enjoy the moments of being in control. Oh Lord. Forgive me of my sins. I know I was wrong but please, spare me from this one.
Prrrff…Revenge or not; Nevermind…
I’m thankful that I once had and now I want to move on. I may have lost myself in there but I’m not going to forget how to love myself.
Oh well. I’m sick.
I think my temperature is up again >.< I’m not thinking straight. If you are under 21….don’t take me seriously..
Sylar = A powerful character in the Heroes drama