White, Magenta & Cyan

The smarties seem to be working.  I’m sweating buckets since I woke up a while ago.  I had the best one hour sleep since Sunday.  I’m beginning to feel the heat in the air instead of the heat within me.  Guess that’s a good sign.  Now my stomach is growling in hunger but I’m a little weak to figure out what I can eat or cannot.  Many yummy food cross my mind and that leads to many more thoughts and memories that perhaps; it’s just not a good time to rekindle.

I had been sleeping a lot since last night.  Not to mention the many hundreds of yogic positions that I attempted trying to relieve my aching muscles and joints.  To a certain extent, I really wish I could break my body into halves and just let free myself from the awful backache.  Then, it comes a point when my head was hurting so badly, I wished I was Sylar* and I could just cut across my forehead and whip the brain out.

I tried not to think too much.  I even tried not to weep too much.  I ought to be feeling the liberation;  the freedom from all the mental & emotional agony that I have been enduring in the past year or more.  But some parts of me keep hanging on.  Repeating words that I hate to remember; scenes that I wish I was stronger than putting myself in those pathetic position.  Why? What for? I asked a million times and I wept countless times.  What did I get at the end of the day? Hopes? Lots of them.  But they are all empty.  Promises? I had a plenty.  But none was meant to be kept.  I can’t get those words out of my head. 

I had a lot of anger in me.  A lot of grief too.  Because I thought I started anew; afresh.  I thought I had changed and made to be a better person.  I thought I would do so much better this time and not screw up.  But no.  I did screw up.  Just don’t ask me how because other than stupidity, I just cannot find a better explanation.

But you know what was scariest?  When I look back, I realized I was in your position.  Doing almost the same thing (of cos not to your great extent of torturing the weak one), unappreciative and almost wanting everything to myself.  I did that.  I did all that.  The numerous arguments.  Endless demands and solutions.  Negotiations and compromising.  It was freaky when I think about it; how all these are replaying over again in this new set of characters – the only difference is; we swapped our scripts, our roles.

At one point, I began to convince myself that perhaps this is an answer to a revengeful prayer.  So God sent you and put me unto the set.  When the camera started rolling; the scenes began to unfold.  I get to taste the bitterness and pain that I once caused him while you get to enjoy the moments of being in control.  Oh Lord.  Forgive me of my sins.  I know I was wrong but please, spare me from this one.

Prrrff…Revenge or not; Nevermind…

I’m thankful that I once had and now I want to move on.  I may have lost myself in there but I’m not going to forget how to love myself.


Oh well.  I’m sick.

I think my temperature is up again >.< I’m not thinking straight.  If you are under 21….don’t take me seriously..


Sylar = A powerful character in the Heroes drama


One thought on “White, Magenta & Cyan

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