The past few days seemed very long. I realized I have not rested well and I have not consumed much. Everything seemed to have stretched me more than I had experienced. I feel drained and weakened – emotionally, mentally and to a certain extent, spiritually. But at the same time, I am grabbing hold of His hands tighter because I know very well I cannot journey alone – I am too small to endure what’s set ahead for me.
Once again I admit defeat. I acknowledge how small and insufficient I am in handling many aspects of my life. The things that happened in the past few days had made me realized nothing was ever in my control. I was never able to define how much given would generate how much in return. I am not able to predict or control whatever outcomes; good or bad, I am in no position to say if that’s deserving or if that’s unfair. Nothing is fair. Nothing is deserving. Everything is God’s grace. And it is only possible if I walk closely to His foot steps. Our Father said that the relationship with Him is above all others. If I lose sight of Him, I lose everything else because they will not mean a thing at the end of the day. Empty. Empty is exactly how I feel…and lost. Lost because I feel that I have wandered too far off. It feels like I went on a stroll and lost my way home. In the midst of my walk, I found something that I thought was too precious to let go. I held on to the new found gem and channeled all my energy & effort; everything possible – to protect, to love, to care and to be by my precious stone just so that it knows I am always by it side. I have forgotten how all these had become possible. I did not discover my gem based on my own strength and ability. I was not able to guard & love it based on my own love & patience. All these came from the glory of our heavenly Father. But yet, as time passes by, I had forgotten where to seek for strength, where to look to for faith & trust. My eyes were so focused and locked at that one spot that I have drained myself completely without returning to my Father for recharging. I have forsaken Him.
To my gem, I know many things were spoken that should or probably should not have been said. But I cherish every moment of honesty for every relationship must be based on trust and honesty. What’s left in it if there is no room for trust & respect? What’s left in it if the passion is allowed to fade and we cannot even find love in between? Just as we develop our relationship with God; that intimate and passionate relationship with Him – it’s that same intimate and passionate relationship that we ought to develop too. Let it not be built on envy, anger, hatred or prejudice. All these are not welcomed in a relationship that God has granted and blessed. I acknowledge my shortcomings and I thank you for enduring them. Right when I found you, I had not given up on you; so, please, don’t give up on us just because you made room for the unnecessary externalities. I’m taking this one step of faith, trusting Him and trusting you…
Lord You Have my Heart – Delirious