Since young, Queen always tell me I’m a very straight person who trusts people very easily. To the extent, I can easily be blinded by emotion and personal
preference relation. She often said that this is the distinct difference between a Chinese & English educated children. I do admit, I don’t like to twist around and allow insincerity. In fact, I detest hypocrisy and dishonesty. Perhaps I’ve been lied to too often in my life and witness hypocrisy…
I missed those days when life was much simpler, or so I thought. When I was younger and still schooling, all I had to worry about it just getting my good grades and making people around me notice my presence; prolly a word or two of praise & compliment. I started to notice how much I live in the shadow of people around me. Not that I’m complaining, but I began to realize how much lackness of me in my own life. I have started to find the reflection in the mirror of much a stranger to me for years now. I don’t even know who is the person that stares right back at me…what’s in her life that is missing or what is it that she wants that she’s not realizing? Yes, I am lost. I’m lost because I had been prioritizing too many other
people things before myself. I don’t even know if I’ve started the mistake or I am the cause of all mistakes.
Life ought to be simple. Giving and taking is supposed to be a mutual part of life; not to say you should expect anything in return when you give. But I just really missed those days when I don’t have to know much about what money can do to please people, or how money can play such a big role in our lives that people are completely blinded by sincere relationship. Where have all those honesty and lasting relationship gone? Is life worth less because of the lack of digits in the account books? Where is the limit and what is the limit? Reading the book Purpose Driven Life, for a moment I thought I could find my purpose if I focus on Him. But it is getting very difficult and challenging especially in the past few years. The period of absence had in many ways, introduced freedom (or lack of control?) to me. When I tasted what it felt like to have my own choice, my own life, my responsibility towards myself & my decisions; it just felt so good to be in control. Now that the 2 years have gone by, and everything is back to how it used to be; I cannot deny that everything in my life is getting far beyond acceptable or tolerable for me. Time has changed each and everyone of us. Unfortunately, money has changed many of us.
Day in and day out, I am
forced to witness witnessing hypocrisy and living in an environment that is full of lies and ungratefulness. Truly, living in a secular world can be extremely challenging for my faith. Not that I’m bending or giving in; but I feel very helpless & strength-less trying to fight this battle alone – in my family. I know very well that only God has the answers. Only Him and through Him that all things are made possible. I acknowledge that my life is fully controlled by Him and Him alone; thus every trials and tests that I’m being put through, like it or not, I have to trust Him. I am. Or at least I am trying very hard. But I keep falling and keep faltering. I withhold anger and disappointment. I have to constantly think of what Jesus did when He encountered the same test; I have to constantly comfort myself or rather seek comfort. It’s the going back & forth between I’m-OK and I’m-NOT-OK-and-I-don’t-give-a-damn that is really tiring me out…
I wish I can tell you how I feel and what I’m really going through, but I really can’t. I just don’t know how to even start. Many things I just cannot come to terms with. But all in all, I just want to remind myself that I have to trust Him. If I ask for opportunity to of witness to God, I have to accept the trials & challenges that He has planned for me. Like it or not, it is not a choice nor do I have the rights to choose what I prefer or how I want my lessons to be.
Lord, forgive me for my disobedience and unfaithfulness. My life is Yours and I acknowledge Your control over it. I am learning each day to trust and entrust my life to you. Grant me the strength, patience, understanding and wisdom while I learn to walk closer to You Father; with grace & mercy. Amen
Pray for me. The last thing I want is to be a stumbling rock.